B
As W would say, I am a fool intent on getting myself killed.
I would not attempt to disagree. Yet, I will not be swayed from my course of action.
I have contacted B and secured the necessary information for my mission. I will shortly insert myself into the ranks of my bitterest enemies: The Agency. I will likely die in this endeavour, in which case I shall take the precaution of making this last goodbye a good one.
Something I've asked myself recently is "why?" It is so very human, that question. Why is the sky blue? Why do the days get shorter as the months pass? Why do popcorn and slushie in the same mouthful make a great movie-watching snack? Why seek justice for a sporked friend?
Why indeed. Discovering Q's killer will not change the fact that she is dead. So why risk life, limb and the like to pursue an admittedly pointless path?
I do not know. But I know that I must. When a friend dies, it feels like the world should stop spinning. Yet the uncaring crowds carry on, blissfully unaware that life is unbearably, irreversibly changed. But I, knowing the degree to which the world is altered, cannot carry on. My whole life has come to a halt.
As a great philosopher once said: "Every action has its equal opposite reaction,"
No reaction of mine could ever compare to Q's loss. I could climb the highest mountain, swear off food and drink and live the rest of my life composing limericks in solitude, but nothing could fill the void that Q left. Nothing could recalibrate our altered world.
Yet doing nothing would be the worst of all. To pretend that her death did not throw the world off-kilter would be unthinkable. So, though I can never do enough, I must do all that I can.
Some may mourn by bringing flowers to a grave, or composing poems to honour the dead. And while I've done both, I must also discover Q's killer to approach some semblance of peace.
I fear that I may not be able to write for a while as I try to integrate myself into the inner workings of The Agency. Yet I remain foolishly optimistic that I will be able to someday write again (despite the very real risk of losing either my life or the necessary limbs to type up my thoughts). Should fate decide to stop bullying me, I will write again as soon as I am able.
D'H OMTDIB, L. DI OCZ RJMYN JA TJPM AVQJPMDOZ KJZO:
"NJ YVRI BJZN YJRI OJ YVT. IJOCDIB BJGY XVI NOVT."
TJP RZMZ BJGY. RZ RZMZ BJGY.
- A.M. Ham
